How to Love Someone Perfect

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Begin by spending time in one corner and determine the start of your fascination. Then comes curiosity, the occasional sighs, and then that moment when you realized, they had become a part of your daily pondering.
Trouble. Trouble. You're hooked and you just do not know how to let them go. 

Then you self-contradict your development. You down play the fleeting butterflies in your stomach as something bad you ate for lunch today or the dread of having to speak to them and not knowing what to say at all. You shrug and avoid anything that reminds you of them but find yourself thinking of them when your head hits the pillow. Goner.

In as much as you do not want to admit, you start to zero in their possible faults and flaws. They might have different interests than you have. They hand out with weird company or they listen to your most hated band. And then, in time, you began changing your preferences. Over time, they have converted you into loving "The Cure" song you always thought to make no sense actually.

Your friends find your ramblings strange. They have to figure out your metaphors as something almost always related to that someone. You start to receive intervention by concerned best of friends due to your insistent mantra that everything you are saying is normal and is only expected.

Your mom hides her intent to ask actual facts about this someone in fear of confirming her fear of you being haunted by an imaginary friend in your age. She tells you to go out more often and hang out with your guy pals just to know if they can fish something out of you. Of course, the beer drinking buddies you have only gets drunk and you only grin in hiding your someone perfect.

And then, one day, you get sad for no apparent reason. You now begin to see that there is no point in having these strange feelings. You know you deserve the right to love in the right and sane way. You get tired of looking for the checklist you have right from the very beginning. Your check list does not suit anyone at all no matter how perfect they might seem. 

How to love someone perfect? You just don't. They only exist in dreams.

But how can you find someone to love in imperfection, quite surprising easy and non-fictional. This phenomenon happens more often than not. 

And you know what, when you open your eyes to that someone imperfect and realize they are all that you have ever needed, you truly have loved perfectly. You begin to see happiness and possibilities as something real and not ideal. You become a better person by finding a someone that can be all accepting (well not all) of who you are as you learn to appreciate the differences in between. 

You can get tired of perfection one day. But finding the reason for the imperfections to be lovable - you can not count the ways. You will always try to be understanding and open. You try to be more relevant and creative. And as you strive to become an accepting mate, your perfection never ends. 

A Tribute to Mamang on Mother's Day

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You went through a lot of  labor pains bringing me out into this world. You said I was born upside down with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck so they had to cut me out from your tummy. You might have told yourself I might become a bit of a troublemaker at that point and to some degrees you were right. I have "difficult" written all over me right from the start but you still cried tears of joy when you first laid your eyes on me. 

And even if I am continually causing you pain every now and then, you still smile when you see my face or hear me call you "Mamang". I know I am a handful (and a mouthful) but you accepted me - perks and quirks- the flaws and all. I could be the next villain or mad scientist but you always save the day by being my own super hero. 

I am not a fan of being smothered but I must admit, I miss being your baby once in a while.

You did not get why I always have to hoard books and art stuffs or even why I spend those dorky hours online but you always make sure I eat on time, take my vitamins, and get some sleep. You allowed my creativity to flourish even if I did not do too well, you remain my number one fan. Always the self-contradictory, I never fail to confuse you sometimes but you accepted my decisions and supported me in all endeavors.

You still do not know why I keep coloring outside the lines or do something no one else would do in my own little non-conformist ways. But you never failed to comfort or just be there when I realize I made mistakes or have to begin again and again.

You know how to make me feel better. You do not need to understand what I am thinking or trying to do - you just know what to do with me most times. When I am in doubt or in a depressing mess, you were there hurting for me. You never left me alone while I was looking for my path. Even if you get frustrated with me because I never seem to settle with being mediocre or trying to blend in, you still stood by me. Watching, guiding, and still believing I can be more than I think I can become.

My gratitude to you never ends. Your believing in me has inspired me to always be myself even if the world is not ready to accept all of me. Because of your loving ways, I am becoming a better person than I thought I could ever be. I am having that courage to remain true to myself in this ever changing world and still remain the warm and loving woman I am learning myself to be.

Motherhood almost always defines unconditional love. To believe what you cannot understand. To being there even without knowing why. To still care when you have been hurt. To accept the truths no matter how the lies or expectations confuse you. To sacrifice your own happiness to be happy for someone else. To have that relationship that survives life changes. To communicate support by just being silent. To still make noodle soup for someone after an ugly argument. On top of it all, to never fail to love even if you seem to be hated. I think that right there is what make mothers the strongest persons in the universe. 

So on this Mother's Day, I just wanted the world to know what a great person you are, Mamang. I love you and will always be forever grateful. 

And to all the moms out there, kudos to your life's work ladies. You have my utmost respect for being in a role that only the strongest survive. Happy Mother's Day!

Wandering In A Different Wonderland

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Today is the first anniversary for my moving abroad! Celebrating it with immortality - by writing! Booyah!

There is always something special connected with firsts. First baby steps. First tooth. First knee bruise. First home. First kiss. First love. First trips. First jobs. First heartbreak. First move. First career. The list goes on. All firsts and usually skips to the lasts. But before we do the bunny hops of lasts, let us look into the firsts. 

For this case, first move abroad. It is like going into the proverbial rabbit hole and becoming Alice in Wonderland personified. Never mind the culture shock or the inevitable realization that heck, you will change. Everything around you is different. 

You will be skinned alive and apart by a new set of judgement and perception. You will be shaken right down to the core of your established persona and end up with a stranger looking back at you in the mirror. You cannot trust yourself at this point of the journey as you are starting to feel you wandered too far off yourself to find you. People you expect to understand you - would really won't and your personal relationships might suffer due to double standards and unmet expectations. This would be one of those ugliest moments when you realize - who you are is being questioned and it would take a lot of faith and effort to remain true to yourself while trying to embrace who you have to become.

You will suffer a great quiet loss of your old life and old ways as you try to adapt to the foreign routines and way of life in your new location. There will come a point in time when you ask yourself if all the changes you must do are all worth the pain and loss of the process. Doubts will grow their sad heads in between who you can be and what you can only do (for now). You will be forced to some things that you never thought you would. These things are not usually criminal, but morally tugging at your heart. You will learn the Big Jungle of Life living abroad. Live and let live. 

You will start to stumble into things you never thought you can see, hear, taste, touch and feel. The movies you have seen will never be as great as the actual scenes you are actively being a part of. Even the books you read would never find the words to encapsulate the things in your mind when you experience something not usual before. You will feel ignorant and silly, but you know it is necessary to be aware of the mundane and acceptable knowledge and behavior around you. You have the lame excuse to be a "newbie" to embarrass yourself in more ways than one.

People will all seem unkind. No one can understand you or actually know how you are feeling adjusting to this new environment. You will have no support group to cry your hearts out when you feel lost, alone, lonely, and just regretful. You begin to be socially withdrawn and unassuming thinking this would make you stronger. But bit by bit, you find yourself being tired of your own drama and decide to tread on different waters. You try to associate with groups that you think can help you enjoy your quiet misery. And with some trial and error, you manage to snag a good friend or two who still cannot understand you but is genuinely concern about you. And that opens the rest of the windows and doors you locked and along the way you meet people who are lesser unkind. Even in one point, you will be able to pay the same understanding to someone who is a new kid in the block too.

You can never be thankful enough for true friends and moral support you managed to keep with the help of technology (thanks Skype, e-mails, Facebook, Twitter, among other Apps!). They will remind you who you really are no matter where you are deep inside. And in the end of this getting lost by wandering off to different shores, you become more better albeit a more stronger you. The you they know is still within you but you know you are becoming a different person too. The proof that these are your truest supporters is how they remain in your life even if you changed - or per se your location just changed. The ones that slipped out of your fast changing life events, either cannot accept the real new you or decided your paths has reached its end together. Never be sorry for finding out who these people are. They are the ones who deserve to be called true and also are to be listed to your private victory parties or success picnics.

You will find a routine far far different from what you have perceived when you decided to go abroad.  Forgive yourself and your naivete. Plans and expectations have their ways of creeping up on you but do not listen to them. Pay more attention to what you can do and be more open to the things that you must do. At this point, never say never at all. The great thing about this new place is that no one knows you and do not care if you make mistakes along the way as long as you find a way of your own. And it is with greatest hopes that when you find your own path in this new world, it is usually something more meaningful and successful in time. 

But ease your heart and fears. What you might go through might be entirely different from what you have been reading. So decide seriously this time if your first move abroad would either make or break you. Either answer can still be productive as long as you are the kind of person who wanders for the experience and not for the end results. Do not be tied with helpless goals like earning more money or being treated any differently when you have been to where you are right now. Make your own first move abroad when you are ready for a constant overhaul of who you are and you do not mind labels. When you learn to be with yourself no matter where you are. And a little curiosity of pushing your mettle never grow old.

So we might reach the topic of lasts at this point, but really, does the journey end? I do not think so. Even if you have changed your demographics, you will feel this won't be the last move you will make in your life. Pun very much intended, thank you!

So go on, Alice. Curiosity got you this far...down the rabbit hole a new world exists. You are the protagonist of this story. Wander about the places you can be and the person you can become!

Musings for the Bride-to-Be

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On the 20th of this month, you will be walking in a different shoes. The kind that you wear once and you cannot take off easily. It is a simple commitment to take but not that easy to keep. There is no tone of cynicism in that sentence, just a tinge of it is what it is. You are a bride-to-be and nothing can stand in the way on the aisle (with these killer shoes, who can?). On this note, this can help you hopefully to kick the jitters off and revel in how amazing your journey ended in these wonderful shoes you are about to wear.

You are an incredible hidden jewel that this one man has wisely kept all these six years. In a bit of a story telling, you were very different from who you had been from who you are now. And it is in saying not in a bad way - but in a changed way. When you first met him, there were many questions and uncertainties in your mind that have been answered (mostly) already. You have had your highs and lows, but you two stuck at it for the past six years. It is admirable how you two had kept a commitment in the midst of typecasts and miles. 

For those who haven't known you for that long (including me), we can tell the changes and transformations you made through this relationship has made you a stronger and better person. A woman who decided to take life and stand by the things that you render matter most. 

You have silent strength and smarts that have handled minor and major changes in your life. You fought for what you believe in and rebelled your own path to own it. So own it now. 

On the day you will be walking down that aisle, you will be teary-eyed and fearful. Not fearful because you have come this far to be afraid, but fearful of being too happy in your moments. Well, these are not your moments but YOUR whole day. With everything that you have been through, please give yourself this day to stay in the limelight and show the happiness you have. Share it with the world and just breathe in the love and support from people that put your happiness above theirs on that date. 

Ignore the naysayers and the people who think you should have done things differently. It is your wedding and your life and not everyone might agree on how you have them, but indeed they are yours for your own purpose and amusement. Thank you for being strong and becoming a story of courage for women of the rest of the world. When outside pressures are pulling you into different action just remember this choice you made. A choice you made - and that is all that really matters.

You are where you are now at the brink of this life ahead of you because these were the choices you made and the path they paved to your future with the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with.

And yes, you might wonder what has become of you when you put these fabulous shoes on.
But never doubt, you have been following the yellow brick road and you are wearing your own ruby shoes. Where this pair will take you, is for you to find out. Know only this, that whatever road you might find, being a bride to be is just one. You will become wife, mother, partner and spouse. But this is your story, and you are only but beginning another set of your journey.

Carry on these fabulous heels and know, you will be happy wherever you may go. Have a blessed wedding and prosperous married life.

A Thirty-Something Woman’s Guide in Love Stories

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Discussing your past history with love can be a lot like dissecting the poor frog in Biology class. It is something disgusting and daunting but at some point you have to do the dissection and label what you need to find in the dead creature. Okay, immaturity aside, you learn from that dead matter called your own love stories and what-not’s and serves it inside a petri dish under the microscope in your 30’s. Now, that puts it in a lot of different perspective.

So how many have you loved, kept, and somehow lost along the way? Ask yourself in front of the mirror and you might surprise yourself. If you are asking me why I wrote this I just have to say, things have changed within and I need to review what I really want out of love after around six years when I wrote the angst Stupid Cupid article. You are now reading what has come of the cheeky writer that asked Cupid for a year of being left alone in finding her true love. And hitting the big 3-0’s is like a monumental step outside my comfort zone and saying okay, let me begin again from what I have learned.

                                

When you reach the new 20’s of your life (I am lingering on the 29th), things in your life - and those that are not yet in your life - revisits you like a haunting echo. I don’t know why most people would be pressured in settling down at this crucial turning point of your life - but constantly hearing related remarks at reunions and parties (and geez, even in mundane conversations, especially with Mum) also want me to wonder about those words like love, marriage, and family. So you have no choice but keep a pensive mood and actually dissect your attitude towards the big thing called love. And so the question remains, how well did you and did you not love in the past years? What are these uncanny types that has introduced you to a different evolving woman you are now?

First love.

Do you have one in your memory? The person that made you realize you can be the most powerful and yet vulnerable human being by feeling so enamored by their existence. Most would call it infatuation and attraction. I call it the first taste of love’s promises both the bitter and the sweet. For those lucky enough to end up with their first love, you have the right to gloat and it is an open option if you still want to read the rest of this.

Hottie.

Oh yes, the one person that made your hormones rage like no other. I think it is safe to say it is a biological thing - like you found your DNA chromosome X-Y puzzle fit and your make-out sessions are hotter than any kinky novel ever written. You got the physical aspect nailed down, but outside the bed, things became less interesting then you find everything is about Hottie less engaging. And along the way, the fire died down and only ashes are left. For those who manage to have the embers remain and night steamy with the everyday life, congratulations! Your love life is a proof that physical can turn into magical but hard-earned commitment. And you now know, to keep the fire roaring you have to make your relationship work no matter what happens in and outside the bedroom.

The One That Got Away.

You clicked in your witty banter the first time you met each other. It was like you found another self of yours who you can hang out with and do most stuffs in your life with the lesser restraint of being always the perfect you. They might be the person who at one point made you thought of settling down and biting the bullet. Alas, by a cruel twist of unintended life changes, you fell apart and you never got to say how they meant to you. And so this person still cause you to sometimes wonder of the what if’s and could have been’s. If you manage to get hold of the one who got away, good for you! If there is one thing this person taught you well, is that you have to make reason for someone to be in your life - every day of your life. And please, that means no taking for granted just because they are always there or trusting fate can keep you together. The One That Got Away went away because you let them go. Enough said.

So there you are the most common romance comedy plots for all chick flicks out there. Seriously, at least one of those samples struck a string in your looking back review of what has come as your current attitude towards love. This only appeals to those who have definitely been around the block a few times and is ready for love to come into their lives.

If the past does not feel like it has passed, hand the world a favor and heal yourself first before venturing in the love department. Because if you look closely, the dissected frog right from the beginning is actually you - and how you have learned from the labels of love you found yourself all those years ago. You need another round in the laboratory? Take your time because you now know that a woman can indeed write her own love story when she clearly knows what she wants and go for it. Something in your thirties make a woman not only older but wiser nonetheless.

Celebrate Success...Celebrate You!

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Success is perceived differently between males and females. When a successful career woman comes to view, most people would wonder what she might be lacking of - and turns her negative points into big deals. They won't be looking at how big her achievement is or won't just go into details about why she became an achiever. Sadly, most people would likely observe her snappy wits coming across as offense or her no-sorry attitude in taking more of her work means she has no social life or refuses to become a domesticated wife. 

Compare this notion of success when a male comes into view. Most people would look at what he has achieved and ignores or instantly forgives his shortcomings. Society excuses males of their erring behavior just because they achieved something. Successful men who cheat on their wives are deemed normal or part of life. Successful men who lack time for their family are forgiven because they carry the burden of being achievers. 

Something is off balance here.  This has been the fault of society's dogma for women to be casted as the nurturers instead of achievers. Nurturers tend to tune out their own worth instead of celebrating their achievements because their go-getter attitude comes in conflict with their caring side. But we have to break away on the whole dogma and we also consider the other side of the line.

Males who tend to be nurturers are deemed failure for being un-achievers. In this changing times, males who tend to stay at home to help out their wives that might probably be working are perceived weak or lack initiative to take on the role of provider. In uncertain economies, role reversals are only expected and should be taken by both genders as a situation both should adapt together.

Maybe if we individuals start to truly acknowledge that sex role reversals are possible in this modern world without the pre-conceived notions of dogma and society - we can make both successes from both species more of a celebration than a condemnation. When we based success as a non-gender situation, then we can truly embrace ourselves as individuals. Measure of success would drastically change - it is not about being a good mother, a good provider - it would become more of your little achievements as you.  

Success is about being and having a well-balanced life. It is about acknowledging your own baby steps in achieving something far more greater than dogma yardsticks - becoming you truer self by engaging into something you truly love doing. People who are both successful and happy  are the people who went ahead and did their own thing.

So maybe starting with that you want to do is the first milestone to your success. You can be inspired by someone else's success but remember you can never own it. We all have our own struggles and thus we are entitled to our own sucess and celebrations.

So don't compare yourself to other people. We are all born unique - and logically speaking - we can only achieve our own success and no one else's standards or dogma can make it of lesser importance or worth. Do not be sorry if you think you have not lived up to anyone's standards - you should be celebrating.

Celebrate success and thereby do not hesitate to celebrate you! 

Anyone's Guide to Embarrassing Situations or Life's Odd Curveballs

Ever been in one? Of course, you have - silly question.
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Come on, who never had the awkward moments in their lives? It can be bumping with an ex who happens to have moved on with a gorgeous beauty by his side while you are wearing your sleepwear in the grocery aisle. Or you happen to bring your friends into a bar that ended up having jukebox band and DOMs loitering about the boisterous and dark place while your eardrums are having tears for the super blasting sound systems. Or simply put, life just caught you with your pants down unaware! Now, boys, don't think this is going to be about the wild nights we all used to have. Wink wink. 

1. Laugh out loud. Who would dare say something ruined your disposition when you seem to laugh so hard you fall off your chair? Unless some people think you are the lunatic in your group, just laugh. Remember, laughing at yourself could only mean you have enough high self esteem to forgive your foolishness or mistakes. If you think the situation is funny, people would make it a small of a deal and laugh with you instead of putting fingers on you. Laughing expels the negativity in you, brightens up the company, and makes any bad situation into comedy. Isn't it a cure all at this point?

2. Find a quick and diplomatic solution. When you are in an awkward situation, of course you cannot stump your foot and throw tantrums like a two year old. Unless you are aged two and below, you as a mature individual can find a solution to the situation that is making you feel uncomfortable. If you meet the ex, then smile sweetly and tell them "Hi" in your pajamas. You know you are not dress like "I-have-moved-on-about-you" so just remain congenial and walk out of the scene with as much grace as you can mutter. Good manners always kills bad reviews, even in relationships. And just think what interesting follow up conversation the ex has to share with his current beau. Classic.

3. Make the best of what you have. Of course, between being trapped in a dreary place and spending time with friends, find a compromise. You can just transfer to the nearest nice place or decide to have fun. Pull out a few of your lame jokes and make fun of yourself, heck, make fun on your friends. This can divert the lingering situation out of everyone's minds.

4. Enjoy the moments. Come on, you really did not think about this idea? Embarrassing situations are far and in between so enjoy them while they last. I think being able to enjoy everything in your life is key not to be embarrassed at all. Moments like those are well worth the story for the grand kids. They might not imagine it, but the way you will tell them can indeed be enought to make them think their grandfolk must have been a funny person to be around.   

You can choose to find humor with yourself or refuse to get over the situation entirely - is all up to you. But as it has proven, a good laugh and a pat on your back are the best way out for the embarrassing situation that you encounter anytime at any place. Laughing is contagious virus but its a good contamination to spread. We need more viruses like that instead. 

“I Am In Love and I am Terrified” Syndrome Cure – Be Still! (A Message to My Scho’99 sisters)

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"Flight mode..."
The trouble with love when it comes to intellectuals (like most of us, do not deny it duh!) is that it needs reason or logic to become real. In our lives, things were often achieved and successful using the mind, almost disregarding intuition or the whispers of the heart. It leads us all into thinking that love is a mental thing and can be handled with aplomb amidst the raging emotions in us. What we fail to remember is that love in itself is a force to be reckon with. No matter how we can say why we love a person – we will never break the mystery of this force.

Life is on a routine for most of us today but then, suddenly kaboom! Out of the blue, we encounter such irrational intangible thing called love. The person we never noticed suddenly becomes the recipient of all the odd stirrings in us (cri cri cri). We, of course, as rational individuals try to deny the fact that a sudden realization took place. In no frontiers, reason, or name we felt it – love. Most of us are romantics, no matter how try we approach love in a scientific manner.

Books and more books have tried to explain the many plateaus and philosophies of love. They do echo plausible and rational whys and hows, even the whos. Others try to explain love as genetically based and some make it more appealing by having faculties of the mind being used to influence if not manipulate love and all its cousins of desire, passion, and commitment.

Its a never ending battle between mind and heart when it comes to caring about someone. We should not give up on love as being a free radical – it moves the most impossible to possible. If people can just let it be and making it something needlessly rationalized, maybe the world can be a better place. Miracles are built on love. It is the one thing that manifests our souls in this material world. So be still, think of all the little things in your life that makes you fee l love. Trust me, the list you conjured in your mind will never fail to make you feel better. Love is just love. No rules, no walls, no bridges. Let it allow to transform and challenge who you are. You always come out better or changed, that is well-assured.

So be it, romantic or not, be grateful it always find a place in your life. It could be how your Mom tell you to always carry an umbrella even if it does not seem to rain. How your pet puppy licks up your face when you get home. Maybe the way your siblings cheerfully pester you once in a while. Or maybe the sound of the laugh of old friends when you are having the same conversations for the nth time in the coffee shop. Or simply, the way you set time aside for yourself to enjoy your own simple little pleasures in your life. That is love.

We always would want to strive to have that talent of “prismic perception” – the ability to make colors in your point of view. We must think this ability comes hand in hand in the cure of running away from love (oh yes, we do that and a lot!). So ease the unwarranted vulnerability and revel in the strength to take up its challenges. Test your mettle and how far you can go.

Love makes us human, after all (even if we are self-proclaimed goddesses haha!). So learn to never fear it. Look it in the eyes and welcome it. So live, laugh, and love MORE!

P.S.
Note to self. Date the next guy who asks you out! Make time for it and throw the I-am-busy lame excuses. Be still and be in love and terrified at the same time!

You Got to Get Ruined

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A jump might ruin your balance but it sure makes you alive! (A note to self)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            

6 am and the workaholic got up to face a brand new day. Stressful mornings and Mondays are not ideal for embracing the start of the week, but heck, got to do the motions to earn the daily wage. Got into work a bit late, tired, spent, and wishing its already weekend. 

Familiar? Yes, this is the usual day for a yuppie. A tired yuppie. Does not matter how much pay you take home, but looking at these people make you go want to ask them, "So where is the rest of your life?"

Answers can range from: None. Nada. Not happening. Not until that filed leave. Still got work to finish...work has literally became the excuse not to live life! Better take a look in the mirror and someone older might look back at you!

So before you hit the panic button, knowing this might be you, hold on a sec. Assess yourself, are you falling into the drudgery of your own life? Has your routine have you wishing it was all weekend on weekdays? Then wake up and smell the coffee ~ all yuppies tend to do that. Not because they have to - just because they have not yet figured out what makes them complete and utterly contented. If you find yourself in this kind of rat race, then step back. Do you really want to work like this and miss the rest of your life?

Ideal as it may sound, you got to get your life back. You got to get ruined. You got to hit the rock bottom so you can hit your noggin into something solid to shake you back into real life. Repeat that, real life! Haven't you notice you become philosophical whenever you face failure? Aside from justification purposes, really, you get a lesson or two. All up to you if you manage to learn from them of course. 

Being vulnerable teaches you to be humble. It teaches you to draw your strength not from what you have accomplished or have but rather on the person that you have become. Accepting failure takes a lot more courage than gaining over the adversity you might be facing. Getting ruined means giving yourself a chance to piece yourself together again. 

So if you are hitting a rough patch, breaking up, lost your wallet, or really just being ruined, accept it. Just think of the ancient ruins in Greece - they are there to remind us how a great civilization can crumble without reprieve. Life is a bitch, I heard someone shout out today, but you can bitch back too no matter how ruined you feel. 

Life do not allow you to just do the motions to be alive. Life is uncertain to keep you guessing what happens next in your real life. No matter how much you hide yourself in work loads or some excuses, life will still bitch at you. He is like that prefect that keeps a constant eye on you when you become too routinary. 

So when you are at your ruins, keep that head up. Still search for the everyday magic that drudgery can take away in your daily life. Keep looking for the magic instead of the obstacles before you. If you cannot find luck, then create your own opportunity. Do not just cringe (well, at the start its a natural reaction) when life gets you. Life fetches you every now and then to keep you grounded. Just to keep you real. 

She Should Have Been Named Lilith

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Lilith - The Forgotten First Wife of Adam
written by BEV on 09.28.2010

She always was a curious cat. She flipped comics even before she can read. She snatched books older than she was. She had a thirst for knowledge even for a little bits and pieces. She was the annoying kid from class who challenged her teacher just because their text book said something opposite to what their mentor was saying. 

It was no surprise she grew up always questioning things. It did not mean though that she was smarter than anyone else or that she is better than everyone. She just wanted to understand what most people find boring or irrelevant. There came a point even when her family did not understand what she is. And for a while, she lost herself knowing she disappoints her loved ones because she did not behave like she was told to. It was too sad a part of her is not accepted by people she expected that could. But she answered her own question one day and refused to doubt herself ever again.

Everyone else around her dubbed her unreasonable when she just wanted answers. She was called spiteful when she just wanted things discussed. She was a frank and outspoken girl who never stops with the reason just because. Not a rebel, but a wondering soul she is and a free spirit at that. Relief came from people who think like she is and not judge her for not being the emotional woman that most people assume any woman would be. Rationality is always her tool for figuring things out. This blocks her ability to feel emotions at their full blossom but it does not stop her from being kind or even being hurt.

She wanted things explained but respects mystery and uncertainty. Some find this hard, but to her she knows balance is the only way to go even with her thinking. She does not aim to always be on top of any game or win the prize, she just want to take a meaningful part in something. When she commits a mistake, she does not have second thoughts in saying "I was wrong" or "I am sorry" or even "It's my fault." For her, she was ordinary enough to be human and admit to be wrong or weak. But what sets her apart from most people is her refusal to make her humanity an excuse in committing mistakes. She believes she can learn always from everything she goes through in her life, no exceptions. 

But strange reactions is always prompted by people who do not understand her. Envy, jealousy, resentment, and even hatred. She does not understand that people can be so irrelevant sometimes to what she is just trying to do. This does not really help her in just being herself.

All she wants is to be herself. And to all the women trail blazing the paths less taken and finding ways to enjoy their own lives, KUDOS to you! Like the unpopular first wife of Adam, we are the epitome of independent thinking and still being loved anyhow. 

We are all, indeed, could have been from the woman named Lilith who took a chance to defy what is accepted to find her own joy and discover who she really was. So embrace yourself and never shy away from unconventionality. 

Confessions of A Hopeless Romantic - Stupid Cupid

written 2007 for Youngblood but never got published - Photo credit - From the Web

Dear Stupid Cupid,

Foremost, I’d like to appreciate the effort from your part to try and make me fall in love, so many times, with the most colorful characters leaving me with a vibrant love portfolio but ironically single status, still. I want to find my true love and yet I don’t want to be tied to the idea that much at least for the times you have chosen for me to find love.

I’m not that picky, Mr. Cupid. Just way too smart at times, I’d put feelings on the line. Their feelings of pseudo-attraction types– I choose not to handle when in all honesty, I don’t feel the same. You accuse me of warding off unwanted attention from guys getting interested with me. Yes, I do that to cut any senseless chase to its ill-fated end. Their energy is well better used in other rewarding activities and that’s lesser annoyance for me. At times, when you think you have me or so you think until I get cold feet and runaway just before the guy would take me seriously. Each time, I sense you further your efforts to get me head over heels and so you turn to gnaw at my self-doubt.

When I do doubt myself if I am capable of romantic love I indulge myself and occasionally watch sappy romantic movies. Just to remind myself what true love can be and allow myself to get caught up with all the drama, even couple hood pops in my unguarded mind. But at the end of the movie sanity grips me tight. At the end credentials, the free spirit within me rebels outrageously that love becomes a ball chain dragging at my feet. I resolve further to hold out for love. You get annoyed with me at these points and you want to make me a spinster. 

But you never give up do you? A sneaking suspicion hinted that you see me as a challenge that could ruin your credibility and existence if I don’t fall in love. Thus, this has become our never-ending story of my quest for the elusive true love.

I know I would meet my Prince Charming one day. But as I grew older, I knew it was going to be a long journey to find this Prince Charming that is why I hold out for love. Cupid, you are so impatient about me falling in love. 

Once, you tried to make me fall in love with the Emotional Guy. The type who cries at sunset and movies and he was lethally Prince Charming. He showered me with so much attention, that I thought, just maybe his warmth could melt my resolve regarding love. We really started hitting it off in the guise of friendship. I waited on my feelings for him to blossom. I waited, I waited, and I waited. And when he did show demonstrations of taking our relationship a notch higher, I resigned in a state of denial. I took for granted his too friendly innuendos as a safe platonic relationship instead. All the time I hold out for love, it was there just lying around my couch at home having a drink with me while massaging my toes on one-on-one talk until dawn.

Just because everything was too good to be true and the pessimist in me knew one day it could turn ugly. The love thing is out of my control and I am a control freak. And with Emotional Guy, my feeling for him controls me. And if I allowed it further, it demanded the biggest of risks of getting hurt. 
I decided to be with him forever, for a selfish reason. A friend I can keep forever but a boyfriend I could toss any moment during dark episodes. So, I started the cold act towards him. I set him up with one of his ardent admirers. But when they started going out, strange feelings roused in me. I know its irony I first fell in love when it was way too late. When I mustered enough strength to tell him how he really means to me, he gave up on me. I forgave that stupid self I had. I acknowledged the hurting fact that I loved and I lost. My only consolation is that he has remained to be one of my closest friends and I am glad.

And then you thought, maybe I need someone not so emotional- someone that would challenge me to face the facts of starting the attraction sans the friendship guise. I met Uncaring Guy. This time a guy who kept an air of mystery about him and wasn’t showy about his feelings. Denial got me sad, so I thought it was time to take matters to my own hands.

Things got stranger, later. I was trying so hard to be in love that I ended up falling in love with the idea. Worst, Uncaring Guy clammed up just when he almost believed I really wanted to be in a relationship. Through my persistence of where do I stand with him, I pushed him away from me. He got scared of the responsibility of love shoved up to his chest and left me alone broken. I have compromised too much of myself and got lost in the end.

After that, I decided to really put hold on the love area then, at least for now. I want to make sure what do I really think of love. But one thing’s for sure. Yes, love. I fear it. I am a girl given promises of love, and yet constantly pulled back by her forces of fear. I am the girl who constantly evades love for fear of getting hurt. I abhor the sacrifices and compromises that wonderful feeling will demand from me. Any decent guy I meet ends up a victim to my runaway girl tendencies. 

Cupid, what’s the point? Well, I’m tired of playing games- doing things your way or mine, I’m tired of actually venturing and having myself get through unnecessary pains. Your intention is good ---but it made me went through a lot. I don’t mean to call you stupid, but I will if you still insist on sending unwanted guys my way. And I haven’t come across a guy who could make me understand these fears and strong enough to help me overcome them by and by. 

For now, I’d like to be alone. So I can conquer my fears gradually and eventually find the road to love alone. I’m neither an arrogant fool nor your little project, I am finding out the truth I learned on time- dealing with my fears will make love work in my life. Relish my concept of being beautiful alone, which means allowing me a year of singleton status. It wouldn’t hurt if I occasionally date, wouldn’t it? Until I’ll learn the greatest lesson of your crusade: Love is the absence of fear, and fear is without love. So, be content Cupid to be on the sidelines and one day I’ll welcome your arrow to hit my heart when I have found the right guy. I think he does deserve a fearless me, anyways. Just learn to be patient with me this time, as I have learned to be patient with myself. Point your arrows elsewhere for the meantime, deal?

Signed,
Hopeless Questor

P.S.
Dating around is alright. And I want to take things slow. So do not ruin my dates, please!

A Man Good Enough For Me (and My Boyz)

written 05.26.2010, discussed 07.20.2010 - Photo credit - From the Web

Growing up with a lot of boys can be quite an experience. You tend to see the horrors and the humanity of the male society. But of course, you tend to get jaded about the sane population of the opposite sex, but somehow a faith in you grows that men are not that heartless as most women would say.

I am grateful having a bunch of guys who has been a part of my life since college years. I was in an all-girls high school so their friendship made up the balancing male force in my thinking. I admit I was a self-confessed feminist, but spending good and bad times with the guys I realized friendship does not even draw lines between the sexes. Oh yes, I do like to overpower men once in a while, but not to prove I belong to the better sex but because of my competitive nature. I learned to balance the female and male characteristics I have had. I became a better person in all. Somehow, being friends with the guys I learned to become a better friend in itself. 

And now that I am reaching the stage of choosing a life partner, the guys naturally get edgy. I mean, being likened to a little sister to them, they challenge any possible suitor I came across. In college, I always felt being protected by an invisible cocoon by their protective instinct. It felt really safe from the jerks of their kind.

But as I grow older, I know I must leave that cocoon soon. I must find someone to spend the rest of my life with. The one guy that I will devote most of my time to and would most likely meet the bunch of guys I dearly cherish. Whether they approve of him or not, and even if they test him in some way, I know my guys would respect my choice in time.

It will take time, definitely. I mean, they were always the guys on my priority list. But when this special guy will enter the scene, I know they will have to settle for second place. And I know there will be some resentment muttered but they will eventually accept that. Lesser party time, lesser visibility in our beer drinking nights, and definitely no more green jokes (at least not when my guy is around).

Guys are guys anyway and they will see my point when they know I have truly fallen in love. Men are generally accepting by the course of things but almost without any resistance. They will perhaps bully the poor guy to embarrassment and exchange a few punches but I know they will learn to love the guy I love. 

And it would not suprise me that they had always said bad things about the guy I am crushing on. They would never seem to see a man good enough for me. But in fact, they will - someday. Maybe because they see me to be too good to be true to ever find a partner fit enough to handle me. It is hard to understand how I understand men, so it is daunting to think that I do understand men and yet decided to commit to one in the end. 

Maybe one day, I will be wiping my tears from laughing so hard seeing my guy comfortably hanging out with my guy bunch. So its not my fault that I do think I need a guy who can get along with my guys. Someone who could understand that they are a part of my life as he is without any insecurity. 

I know someone good enough will eventually claim me and I know my guys would appreciate letting them know. I will of course, over a bottle of ice cold beer and with an attitude of acceptance. Or we could really get down to a poker game – whoever wins can do anything he wants. Betcha I win this game.

But really, in the end, I know they will understand my choice to stand beside a man for the rest of my life. (Kampai WBZ! Hang-over from last night! hehe)