A List of 31 Quick Ponderings

                                      

 

This is a post for some 31 random thoughts that a year of life can make anyone think about. Quick to the point, blunt, and hopefully relatable to the other 30 something out there.

1. Never plan too much to end up in disappointment.

2. Cry alone for no reason. You need no reason at all to cry at times and be okay with it.

3. Always do good, if possible, better work than you did yesterday.

4. Strive to do something different and interesting at least once a month. 

5. Taking a walk at least every other day can help you think.

6. Keep yourself guessing on what interests you.

7. A routine can help you get through drudgery but never let it stop you for some fun.

8. You get to predict what can people do or say, but the way they think about you is not your damn problem. 

9. Find a pair of good non-judging ears and strive to return the favor each time.

10. Immerse yourself in your local culture. 

11. Do some brain puzzles once in a while.

12. Appreciate the small indulgence you can have.

13. Drink a bottle of beer or a glass of red wine when you have a bad day before going to sleep.

14. Relish being a wallflower at parties. It is so fun to just watch people and surprise them with insights.

15. Watching movies is truly an escape.

16. Do more work, do little gossip, do better than expected. Watch how good you get at what you are doing.

17. Keep adding something in your bucket list. 

18. Create your own self traditions that you keep secret.

19. People can hurt you but seek to find a reason to smile and not be hard on yourself.

20. Your expectations can be attainable as long as you do not listen to naysayers.

21. Travel. Always find time to be in a different place, get lost, and find who you are at the end.

22. It is good to let other people know how you appreciate their help often.

23. Never bite your tongue when someone insults your mom.

24. Let the unexpected unfold and let go of control.

25. Find your own therapy. Be it writing, listening to music, or extreme sports. 

26. Seek to understand the two sides of the coins.

27. Learn that people can be understood by their behavior, less than their intentions or words.

28. Admire someone you want to become one day.

29. Silence with others and yourself is healthy. Shutting your brain can be a release.

30. Trust is essential, especially in yourself.

31. Define your own happiness and purpose in the service of others. Make a difference with your life.

Get Lost to Get Found

Getting lost in yourself is a good thing.
Photo credit - Link

You do not choose to lose a part of yourself. It can be the tedious drudgery of a life that is not enriching you. It can be the unfulfilled childhood dream that you have had when you were a little kid that never forgives you for getting forgotten. It can be the sense of loss after a broken part of yourself. A broken relationship with a lover, a friend, or a family member that keeps you up at night.

But sometimes, it takes only an acknowledgement that when you feel lost, it is usually because of a broken relationship with your real self. You lose yourself in all the needs to be done instead of what you want to do.

So when these times come to you, it is a good idea to wander about. Literally by going places by yourself or just doing something that you can enjoy on your own. You might be more loving and accepting of yourself when you get into the habit of giving yourself some time.

The one thing about getting lost in yourself is adding more value to your own self worth. Spending time with yourself adds worth in all accounts. Time is a precious commodity you rarely give to yourself because of the rat race you might be in.

So yeah, pack an overnight bag and be someplace you have never been. Learn to be with yourself and enjoying that time on your own. Be selfish because it is not entirely a bad thing to be once in a while if it means not losing yourself to the demands of your life.

As you know, trying to get lost and get you found in the end.

A Lesson in Our Goodbye

 Watching The Notebook made me look into our goodbye and dealing with it.

     Photo credit - Link

  

    

Not so many years ago, I met you at a party. I never knew then that you were a gift for me that changed my life forever. At that time in my foolish young heart, I wanted love to come in my life. The kind of life I read in my romance novels and movies. I wanted that love so badly, I have become blind to my ideals.

But what you want is not always what you get. Slowly and quite cleverly, you crept into my life. You saw who was the real me and cherished me. All in your charming and selfless ways you made me realize, you are real. That not what I read is what I actually need.

And you have become a need. A need so great, I was not prepared to fight for. You made me think life with you was all I need, and the scary part was, I felt that way too. You knew I was frightened and you knew I should take my time to figure out to myself what we had was real and all we both need. You understood my scars and allowed me to heal them on my own. 

I knew I made you hope for us but never letting myself show how much I wanted us to be together at the end. I knew you were protecting me from heartbreak when even your heart was being torn into pieces. I love the time when we just talked and talked and I felt safe just being with you. You were all I never wanted because you were just so perfectly real, I cannot believe my luck in finding you. 

But I foolishly broke your heart many times over by testing how real it can be. I am truly sorry. I was so unsure of myself whenever I was with you. And I broke you too many times to pick you up and tell you indeed, I love you. 

And now, things are not as simple as before. We both live different lives, trying to accomplish the dreams we talked about years ago. Only difference is, we both changed. 

And now, I think you truly deserve to be happy. So am I. I deserve the kind of love you have shown me that I foolishly wasted. I deserve to become loving and be loved back without any hesitations and emotional baggages. 

The greatest lesson you taught me is to deserve the kind of love you find. To never take for granted what you are having because one day, no matter how real, it can be taken away from you. To never fear out of love, but be brave enough to welcome it in my life. To never let anyone or anything be the reason not to be self forgiving and self loving. To know you deserve what you have, you have to fight for it and always remember the why you are fighting for. To love, you have to love yourself first to see the worth you deserve. And being loved only means allowing yourself to be loving. And most of the time, you are loved just because you are.

So when I think of you now, I do not feel that empty ache you left since our last awkward goodbye. I only feel something to look forward to. I see me getting stronger and becoming more real to deserve the kind of love you always wanted me to have. 

Thank you. I am so sorry. And a part of me would still be loving you, but a bigger part of me will be happy to see you having the love you deserve. Importantly, all of me is now open to be totally loving and accepting what the love I deserve will be bringing into my life.

And we might be seeing each other sometime, but I know it would not be awkward. I know then I can tell you how thankful I am in knowing you in my life. And truly how happy I am for you. We can tell stories of our dreams and be okay about not having to live our dreams together. 

Goodbye. Because I am ready to love better than I ever had before.

Why Write?

So, why do you write? You might find the reasons familiar or funny and maybe even rings true.
Photo credit - Link

I write because I have had good English and Literature mentors who taught me phrases, sentences, paragraphs, structures...and made me realize words do have rules but writing can bend those rules to communicate better. I am not one to grunt about traditional grammar but finding ways to communicate with words might become a problem. Now with more people inclined to prose and indie arts, I see no reason to further my need to explore how to use words  in an unorthodox way indeed. People have open their minds by often reading words that allow them to think they can in the most unusual way.

I write because my thoughts are worth being written and read about. Not because I am wanting attention, but rather it is fun to see how people would react to an alternate universe that my mind is actually capable of. Ideas are gateways to conversations and the sharing of ideas make me fuzzy and all warm inside. And like-minded people are actually so hard to find, even harder than finding that one true love. Because you can love someone most of the time but you cannot think like someone all the time. And talks with a like-minded person is so engaging you can forget your topics just because you are such having a darn time to keep track of the wonderful things you talk about. 

I write because imagination can come alive in words. Award winning writers tend to have good creativity in wielding words to create worlds that can take you places. And yes, imagination set with good writing is a good free ride to anywhere you might like to go. Writing is a good medium to tell a story because words are universal and universal is a prism of perception that most people can connect to - however they understand it. And when you write so good, a fandom usually emerge and you find yourself people who believe in your characters, story and know that what you thought possible can be.

I write because I was born to. Cliche and heard so many times, I can hear your eyes roll. I cannot tell you how I started writing on the get go. But I can only tell you this. i have done mundane and crazy things in my life, mostly out of randomness and inconsistency. But writing is the one thing I cannot live without. I do not know how my parents made me and who the heck in both side of the family writes, but I do. Maybe a predetermined flaw in the genes might have caused this unending itch to put words together and try to make sense. Writing. It is the one thing I can do in whatever state of life I am in.

I write because I am not good in self expression in real life. I tried visual arts when I thought I was a hot mess but I still ended up writing anyhow. Visual arts was one I can express myself partly, but writing can tell me about myself more than any other artistic or creative medium I have tried. Writing is my escape to negative brooding and over thinking. Because writing is sharing expression and if it can help release someone else's emotions and notions, then it becomes a tool for the soul to help touch someone else's life.

I write because there are stories and insights that can help people. People who read some of my public or private works have connected with my writing. And it felt like a service to these people to let them reflect and ponder their own lives with my words. Some writing might be for technical and sometimes boring manuals and such but it helped people understand how things work. More creative writings entertain people too. But touching writing can inspire people to do something in their lives and that is the best reward for any writer to have.

I write lastly, for myself. It might be self serving to say but writing is my own therapy. All this craziness and energy inside me cannot be contained by the drudgery of my daily life. A part of me will always yearn to inspire and become a story. And this is what writing do to me. Keep me aware of my own voice and help me spread that tiny bit of what I might tell someone to the real world. Writing is my own self conversations with the world. And I am crazy enough to know judgement and achievement does not always go together but at least I put it out there. Validation is only a plus to the inner peace writing does for me.

So why do you write?  

What Does Your Tattoo Look Like?

A permanent ink of who you actually are is now exposed for the world to see. What does your digital tattoo look like?
Photo credit - Link

Are you perturbed by this idea that what you do online is actually going to become your own digital tattoo? A tattoo that can tell about yourself with the random information you post anywhere in your social media accounts and topic searches. And this tattoo that you have created can never be erased in digital eons. Never. And you cannot unlike or erase your history searches in reality in the virtual world.

Sounds like a death sentence to your own privacy doesn't it? Like some invisible tallying score board about what your subconscious mind is trying to tell your conscious mind except that - well - these hints from your subconscious are actually being collected, mapped, and (gulp!) creating a virtual you for the world to see in blunt and vulnerable state. Think your secret curiosities and embarrassing photos online.

Paranoia sets in like some crazy maggots out on your summer trash bins. You tend to get rid of them but these darn maggots never run out during summer don't they? Summer time is when the good times and good ideas seem to be very documented in our social media lives. So what if you look damn good in those Victoria Secret bikini but when the employer hunts your digital tattoo - being the Ph.D. candidate do not seem so believable anymore.

And this is truly sad. Behind the paranoia is that fear of being truly known and exposed. The actual simple reason of being known to be yourself. This is quite true - we are afraid of being who we really are. And that is why some people chose not to be so disconnected to this virtual online world that the current generation deem as the new normal to social interaction. What has our society become?

Could you imagine human relationships to be ruled by digital tattoo perception? Would it be more real or surreal? Say, if you declare you like something online, but your actual search history says otherwise, would that make you a liar?

Are we becoming too absorbed in how we are perceived that we forget to become ourselves for the longest time? And does this new era of digital tattoos only speak to our primal need to become true?

Pondering these thoughts is like an endless game of cat and mouse so we leave it to there. In years to come, what would your digital tattoo be like? Hopefully something you can proudly wear for the coming generations to think about who you really really are.

Where Are You Taking Me?

Let the free bird inside you out - curiosity can let you rediscover who you really are.
Photo credit - Link

In the odd days that come by, there are sometimes the gut feeling or the hunches that you just have to take action for. It might be the sudden urge to take a different route in going to work or how you get there. And then you get to work a little bit earlier and find out a hidden patch of scenery on the way.

There are also times when a guess can make you lose a bit or a lot. Like betting on the 6/49 lotto can be a one in a million chance but it can become part of your monthly budget even when you do it once a week. Or you took an uneducated option of investing in stocks that just got a bit ugly just when the value was spiraling up the charts.

Nonetheless, seeking uncertainty can make you realize who you are and who you can be. This is the sense in pushing your own envelope and putting yourself out of your mundane comfort zones. It does not matter how little or how important your uncertain steps are - just do them in a consistent period and you get to find out who you really are in the end.

Something or nothing can come out of your effort to be unsure, but the sense of learning and experiencing the other facets of yourself (some you do not know you have them in you) can be rewards by themselves. You give the universe something to play with when you are uncertain. You are asking the All Powerful to a challenge to surprise you once in a while.

So do not disregard these hunches or urgency to take a vacation from the usual. Go for the ride and refrain yourself from asking where-are-you-taking-me questions. Just learn what they have shown you at the end - a prism of who you really are in the big picture of things.

Or maybe life may just surprise you out of your mediocre routine. Perhaps uncertainty experiences can build your own strength to be, well - you. Never stop learning about yourself. Never give up on knowing your own potential.

The Company You Keep

Photo credit - Link
When you are left with the least company you usually meet, you get to rediscover who you usually forget.

When you grow older, you get to terms that you must be alone once in a while but you still dread becoming lonely. Friends are like your soul sustenance and keep you feel outside of yourself in the great big world. Their value is understated but you know without them, your world is a bit weary to live on. Your dependence on their existence is so familiar your life would feel a lack in that space they have filled individually. 

The people we are fond of usually have similarities in who we are. They can tell you good and bad things about the world - and yes, even about yourself - but they remain beside you at all times. And somehow, they always find a way to make you laugh and cry almost simultaneously the reasons why they are in your life does not find an answer at all. 

But how about the people you randomly meet? How about the strangers on the bus looking at you without uttering one single word. As human as you are, you know that if you do not give something of a worth, they do not matter at all - at least to you. The perspective you gain from different personalities who you cross paths with can influence you so subtly, you would not notice unless you pay extra attention.

But as the universe has some applicable laws no matter how cosmic, these people who do not matter to you at all has somehow found their way into consciousness. You are connected to them - be it at the same time you see each other on the cafe at lunch breaks or the guy that reads in the newspaper stall before you reach work. You do not know them, but you recognize them and your routine would not be the same without them being a part of it. 

So, do they matter at this point? Even if you haven't shared drinks or exchanged numbers yet or do not even bother to say hello?

You see, they can remind you of that one person you always have by your side but you do not acknowledge - yourself. You have been told to always thinks outside yourself to be able to become humane. But does ignoring your sense of self, makes you more noble?

It is a tricky question to answer. When you say being selfish can be deemed bad, but not knowing yourself is foolish - you are stuck. Your efforts of finding the id and ego work together can be challenging. 

But if you get to spend more time with yourself and feel like you are outside looking in, you can doubt how well you know yourself. They say if you cannot keep your own company bearable, who can you spend your real self time with?

Can you look at your own shadow without wincing at what can stare at you back? Is there something about yourself that you like most or least? Is there something about you that you have not settled with?

Being introspective can help you ground yourself once in a while. You might not like yourself totally, but you can learn to accept what you are and what you are not. 

And by doing that, when you look at people, you can see they are all like you. Just finding out who they are by living the life they know. Getting lost, ignored, bothered by everyday life and neglected philosophies are all but human experience. An attempt to answer the most important question to ask yourself:

"What am I here for?"

Immersion

Immerse yourself in your curiosities because they lead you to where your soul is happy.
Photo credit - Link

Uncertainty

Uncertainty can be your answer to the most of your life turns. There are no assurance no guarantees. Only your inner strength, humor, and faith can truly make your chosen path your very own destiny. Claim it! Life can surprise you once in a while with impossible things called miracles.
Photo credit - Mine

Wandering In A Different Wonderland

Photo credits - Link
Today is the first anniversary for my moving abroad! Celebrating it with immortality - by writing! Booyah!

There is always something special connected with firsts. First baby steps. First tooth. First knee bruise. First home. First kiss. First love. First trips. First jobs. First heartbreak. First move. First career. The list goes on. All firsts and usually skips to the lasts. But before we do the bunny hops of lasts, let us look into the firsts. 

For this case, first move abroad. It is like going into the proverbial rabbit hole and becoming Alice in Wonderland personified. Never mind the culture shock or the inevitable realization that heck, you will change. Everything around you is different. 

You will be skinned alive and apart by a new set of judgement and perception. You will be shaken right down to the core of your established persona and end up with a stranger looking back at you in the mirror. You cannot trust yourself at this point of the journey as you are starting to feel you wandered too far off yourself to find you. People you expect to understand you - would really won't and your personal relationships might suffer due to double standards and unmet expectations. This would be one of those ugliest moments when you realize - who you are is being questioned and it would take a lot of faith and effort to remain true to yourself while trying to embrace who you have to become.

You will suffer a great quiet loss of your old life and old ways as you try to adapt to the foreign routines and way of life in your new location. There will come a point in time when you ask yourself if all the changes you must do are all worth the pain and loss of the process. Doubts will grow their sad heads in between who you can be and what you can only do (for now). You will be forced to some things that you never thought you would. These things are not usually criminal, but morally tugging at your heart. You will learn the Big Jungle of Life living abroad. Live and let live. 

You will start to stumble into things you never thought you can see, hear, taste, touch and feel. The movies you have seen will never be as great as the actual scenes you are actively being a part of. Even the books you read would never find the words to encapsulate the things in your mind when you experience something not usual before. You will feel ignorant and silly, but you know it is necessary to be aware of the mundane and acceptable knowledge and behavior around you. You have the lame excuse to be a "newbie" to embarrass yourself in more ways than one.

People will all seem unkind. No one can understand you or actually know how you are feeling adjusting to this new environment. You will have no support group to cry your hearts out when you feel lost, alone, lonely, and just regretful. You begin to be socially withdrawn and unassuming thinking this would make you stronger. But bit by bit, you find yourself being tired of your own drama and decide to tread on different waters. You try to associate with groups that you think can help you enjoy your quiet misery. And with some trial and error, you manage to snag a good friend or two who still cannot understand you but is genuinely concern about you. And that opens the rest of the windows and doors you locked and along the way you meet people who are lesser unkind. Even in one point, you will be able to pay the same understanding to someone who is a new kid in the block too.

You can never be thankful enough for true friends and moral support you managed to keep with the help of technology (thanks Skype, e-mails, Facebook, Twitter, among other Apps!). They will remind you who you really are no matter where you are deep inside. And in the end of this getting lost by wandering off to different shores, you become more better albeit a more stronger you. The you they know is still within you but you know you are becoming a different person too. The proof that these are your truest supporters is how they remain in your life even if you changed - or per se your location just changed. The ones that slipped out of your fast changing life events, either cannot accept the real new you or decided your paths has reached its end together. Never be sorry for finding out who these people are. They are the ones who deserve to be called true and also are to be listed to your private victory parties or success picnics.

You will find a routine far far different from what you have perceived when you decided to go abroad.  Forgive yourself and your naivete. Plans and expectations have their ways of creeping up on you but do not listen to them. Pay more attention to what you can do and be more open to the things that you must do. At this point, never say never at all. The great thing about this new place is that no one knows you and do not care if you make mistakes along the way as long as you find a way of your own. And it is with greatest hopes that when you find your own path in this new world, it is usually something more meaningful and successful in time. 

But ease your heart and fears. What you might go through might be entirely different from what you have been reading. So decide seriously this time if your first move abroad would either make or break you. Either answer can still be productive as long as you are the kind of person who wanders for the experience and not for the end results. Do not be tied with helpless goals like earning more money or being treated any differently when you have been to where you are right now. Make your own first move abroad when you are ready for a constant overhaul of who you are and you do not mind labels. When you learn to be with yourself no matter where you are. And a little curiosity of pushing your mettle never grow old.

So we might reach the topic of lasts at this point, but really, does the journey end? I do not think so. Even if you have changed your demographics, you will feel this won't be the last move you will make in your life. Pun very much intended, thank you!

So go on, Alice. Curiosity got you this far...down the rabbit hole a new world exists. You are the protagonist of this story. Wander about the places you can be and the person you can become!

My Regular Miracle

written 4.46.2009, my room
photo taken by me St. Francis' Church, Maa, Davao City

Like a pill, an antidote

The One I cherish most

I ran away, far

He follows me and find my scars

With His words I tremble in fear

His touch bring me to tears

And then I feel with His will

I slowly lift my eyes and heal.

He points my puzzle to solve

Patiently, He creates the broken mold

Of my true self that age in pieces

He picks the parts and gently seizes

The love that can give the broken

And returns what has been stolen.

Everyday, He walks beside me

No matter the road I chose to be

He allows my freedom to roam

Never made me lost my way back home.

Immiscible

Poem written in 2000, Ateneo Classroom
Photo credit - Link

Wide open

Into the horizons

I stare...

Then down

The blue of ocean

I stumble...

A feather I lost

On my wings

Ocean sprays

And sparkling

I struggled...

Down into

Depthless abyss

I drown...

Lapping waves and

Sparkling sunshine

I dream...

I ask...

When shall heaven meet the sea?