A Tribute to Mamang on Mother's Day

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You went through a lot of  labor pains bringing me out into this world. You said I was born upside down with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck so they had to cut me out from your tummy. You might have told yourself I might become a bit of a troublemaker at that point and to some degrees you were right. I have "difficult" written all over me right from the start but you still cried tears of joy when you first laid your eyes on me. 

And even if I am continually causing you pain every now and then, you still smile when you see my face or hear me call you "Mamang". I know I am a handful (and a mouthful) but you accepted me - perks and quirks- the flaws and all. I could be the next villain or mad scientist but you always save the day by being my own super hero. 

I am not a fan of being smothered but I must admit, I miss being your baby once in a while.

You did not get why I always have to hoard books and art stuffs or even why I spend those dorky hours online but you always make sure I eat on time, take my vitamins, and get some sleep. You allowed my creativity to flourish even if I did not do too well, you remain my number one fan. Always the self-contradictory, I never fail to confuse you sometimes but you accepted my decisions and supported me in all endeavors.

You still do not know why I keep coloring outside the lines or do something no one else would do in my own little non-conformist ways. But you never failed to comfort or just be there when I realize I made mistakes or have to begin again and again.

You know how to make me feel better. You do not need to understand what I am thinking or trying to do - you just know what to do with me most times. When I am in doubt or in a depressing mess, you were there hurting for me. You never left me alone while I was looking for my path. Even if you get frustrated with me because I never seem to settle with being mediocre or trying to blend in, you still stood by me. Watching, guiding, and still believing I can be more than I think I can become.

My gratitude to you never ends. Your believing in me has inspired me to always be myself even if the world is not ready to accept all of me. Because of your loving ways, I am becoming a better person than I thought I could ever be. I am having that courage to remain true to myself in this ever changing world and still remain the warm and loving woman I am learning myself to be.

Motherhood almost always defines unconditional love. To believe what you cannot understand. To being there even without knowing why. To still care when you have been hurt. To accept the truths no matter how the lies or expectations confuse you. To sacrifice your own happiness to be happy for someone else. To have that relationship that survives life changes. To communicate support by just being silent. To still make noodle soup for someone after an ugly argument. On top of it all, to never fail to love even if you seem to be hated. I think that right there is what make mothers the strongest persons in the universe. 

So on this Mother's Day, I just wanted the world to know what a great person you are, Mamang. I love you and will always be forever grateful. 

And to all the moms out there, kudos to your life's work ladies. You have my utmost respect for being in a role that only the strongest survive. Happy Mother's Day!

Chiaroscuro

An ode to the Hades and Persephone myth.

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Snow flakes fall

Grey begins to dawn

With chills around

I hear your arrival

I am in a dream

Deep and fascinated

Knowing a shadow 

Shall appear.

I beside you

Light and dark

Warmth and cold

Claim this time

Our memories

For winter has spoken 

And you found me

Not to be apart

Differences still be

I shall listen

To the drumbeat of your heart. 

Of Cross Roads

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written 06.06.2012 inspired by the movie "Another Perfect Stranger"

Often the word crossroads mean uncertain times, feeling lost, and having too many options at once. Almost always, cross roads symbolize a very meaningful if not life changing event in our lives. 

We may not know it, but every day we get to see The Cross in our roads. Preachy and quite something quoted from the Bible, but at the end of the day - after the hustle and bustle - you just remember something good even if you have had a bad day. That is the Cross - that is the voice that might sound like our thoughts and decisions but actually, it is the very same voice we fail to listen from God. That is the very same hope that allows you to take another crossroad each day. 

At those times when we feel uncertainty creeping on us, listening becomes easier to do, do you agree? We ask for advises, we consult our shrinks, and we find all possible ways to reassure ourselves 'we are right'. We listen intently in the hope of finding the reassurance we desperately need. But in the middle of it all, we fail to listen to ourselves and we ignore the silent clues sent by Him to lead us in the right path.

This is the part when we get lost. The excruciating point that we lose hope. And at this point, listening to The Voice is nearly next to impossible. We cower in our bad turns and decisions and find it hard to believe that you put yourself in a tight spot. We react differently and take actions variously. Most of us, when decisions take the wrong turn, turn bitter in finding The Cross in the road. Some take the down fall graciously, understanding that sacrifice is crucial to success in their undertakings. But what we fail to understand is that The Cross in our roads gives us the directions if we listen earnestly. That suffering and feeling lost and defeated is not what The Cross would want for us. The process is necessary to teach us to wait. That faithful waiting requires hope. I remember the movie line saying when there is delay in what must be done right, it is only allowed because of His mercy not to leave anyone behind in being right. 

And when we reach the point when we have earned patience in waiting, we find ourselves listening back to The Voice present in each one of us. Then, our hearts and mind slowly open to the possibilities ... and with them comes options that cause confusion. With too many options unlocked, which way does The Cross would want us to go?

There are three steps to remind yourself when you encounter a crossroad. 
Listen.
Wait.
And above all times, always hope. 
The Cross in your road will give you the certainty that you will be found with the right path in time.

If Someone Stole Your Daddy's Hugs Never Let It Hold You Back

Another woman has stolen my daddy's hugs. 
Photo credit - Link

I was always daddy's girl. No other man was better than my dear dad. He was my tutor, my fan, my hero, the person I would want to hug every time he comes back home. I always thought I could have endless supply of daddy's hugging me back but life took us both in for a surprise. 

Until one night I found out the truth without even hearing them in words. My daddy's tears on my shoulders were more than enough evidence of the silent confession that I knew has become a harsher truth. I knew from that night on, something in me has died and a wound would scar me for life. 

At first, I would not believe it. I refuse to hear the rumors that had me having goosebumps. But as someone who knows my father well, I chose to ignore the signs. I chose to listen to the awkwardness that crept slowly then painfully in our family. I was in the state of denial - so were my parents - refusing to believe that we cannot work things out. 

My parents had their own reasons why they decided to separate in the end. I respect their decision. I swallowed the bitterness hard not wanting to reach my heart and pull me down all my life. I fought with everything I got not to become the typical rebellious daughter that can use the broken family excuse to ruin her life. I know I can be better than that. 

If you are in this similar situation, I tell you not to give up on yourself. You do not need to blame anyone for what happened- especially yourself. I am not asking you to become a saint and forgive the other woman - I am asking you to live your life unscathed and hopeful. I ask you not to grow up too fast so you can remember all your happy memories with you dad. I urge you to take a stand and always look forward to better days. I ask you to love yourself more and become stronger to not fear seeing your parents as real persons who have real issues that they just could not work out. 

I chose to let it go. I chose to believe that bad things happening does not license anyone to giving their negativity to the world back. If you ask me, I am a weak person but I pulled through with the help of the right friends and prayers. I am not a religious person, in fact, I am a non-practicing Christian. But I believe in some Higher Power that can lend me enough strength to move on. Life is still beautiful no matter how lacking, ugly, or hurt you might be right now. You cannot understand now, but in time, you will. Remain patient with yourself to reach that level of understanding. 

I did, eventually. It took long years, but I never gave up. I stayed faithful to myself that I can have my own life outside that traumatic experience. Yes, I could catch myself once in a while blaming the situation for something happening in the present but I always kick back and humor myself. I might bear some unfortunate consequences of my daddy leaving our home, but I know he still wants me happy even without him too involved in my life and I intend to heal the scar I have - even without him. 

I can always say daddy is unfair with how things are going right now. I could always cuss at him and assert my rights. But I would not do that. I have outgrown it already. Right now, I just know that I had lost him eleven years ago when he walked out of our door. At that time, I knew he said goodbye not totally, but I knew he left.

I used to hope that he will be back someday but suffered only grave disappointments. This taught me to handle bigger disappointments in my life without blaming it to anything or anyone else. Sh*t just happens and you just have to deal with what you have got with the fervent hope that things will be okay.

I used to think he will leave that other woman, but he stayed with her and had kids. This showed me that life does not always go the way you want it to be and so you do not have to ruin your life for it. Your half siblings did not ask to be born in to the hellish situation so spare them from your unwarranted wrath.

I used to think that  I can forgive and forget easily. It takes super human effort to truly forgive and forget. I guess only saints can be able to do that kind of feat. I can only understand the situation, I confess, but something like that is truly unforgivable and unforgettable. It is a major shift in your life so even time cannot redefine or undone that. But I do not use it not to trust the trustworthy and vie away from the liars and jerks.

So for fathers out there, fatherhood never stops when your obligations has been done. Fatherhood is a lifetime job. So when you do something, decide like it always comes from your family. Pride can ruin your last shot of keeping your family together so do not let it rule you.

To the women who might be engaging in illicit affairs, please stop. No matter how love can make everything you do wrong right, it can never alter the fact that you are becoming the reason of the thousands of broken families out there. No matter how happy you might become, your happiness cost many others' misery. 

If someone stole you daddy's hugs from you, never let it hold you back from living your life. Never make it an excuse to inflict pain in anyway just because you suffered. Prove to yourself that strength comes from knowing your sad history and yet deciding to still enjoy what is left of the rest of your life without having to hurt anyone.

At times, I do miss hugging my dad, but I know, no one is already there to come home and hug me back. I know one day, I will get to hug him again and I still hope in total acceptance and forgiveness. In the end, daddy only made me stronger.