Wandering In A Different Wonderland

Photo credits - Link
Today is the first anniversary for my moving abroad! Celebrating it with immortality - by writing! Booyah!

There is always something special connected with firsts. First baby steps. First tooth. First knee bruise. First home. First kiss. First love. First trips. First jobs. First heartbreak. First move. First career. The list goes on. All firsts and usually skips to the lasts. But before we do the bunny hops of lasts, let us look into the firsts. 

For this case, first move abroad. It is like going into the proverbial rabbit hole and becoming Alice in Wonderland personified. Never mind the culture shock or the inevitable realization that heck, you will change. Everything around you is different. 

You will be skinned alive and apart by a new set of judgement and perception. You will be shaken right down to the core of your established persona and end up with a stranger looking back at you in the mirror. You cannot trust yourself at this point of the journey as you are starting to feel you wandered too far off yourself to find you. People you expect to understand you - would really won't and your personal relationships might suffer due to double standards and unmet expectations. This would be one of those ugliest moments when you realize - who you are is being questioned and it would take a lot of faith and effort to remain true to yourself while trying to embrace who you have to become.

You will suffer a great quiet loss of your old life and old ways as you try to adapt to the foreign routines and way of life in your new location. There will come a point in time when you ask yourself if all the changes you must do are all worth the pain and loss of the process. Doubts will grow their sad heads in between who you can be and what you can only do (for now). You will be forced to some things that you never thought you would. These things are not usually criminal, but morally tugging at your heart. You will learn the Big Jungle of Life living abroad. Live and let live. 

You will start to stumble into things you never thought you can see, hear, taste, touch and feel. The movies you have seen will never be as great as the actual scenes you are actively being a part of. Even the books you read would never find the words to encapsulate the things in your mind when you experience something not usual before. You will feel ignorant and silly, but you know it is necessary to be aware of the mundane and acceptable knowledge and behavior around you. You have the lame excuse to be a "newbie" to embarrass yourself in more ways than one.

People will all seem unkind. No one can understand you or actually know how you are feeling adjusting to this new environment. You will have no support group to cry your hearts out when you feel lost, alone, lonely, and just regretful. You begin to be socially withdrawn and unassuming thinking this would make you stronger. But bit by bit, you find yourself being tired of your own drama and decide to tread on different waters. You try to associate with groups that you think can help you enjoy your quiet misery. And with some trial and error, you manage to snag a good friend or two who still cannot understand you but is genuinely concern about you. And that opens the rest of the windows and doors you locked and along the way you meet people who are lesser unkind. Even in one point, you will be able to pay the same understanding to someone who is a new kid in the block too.

You can never be thankful enough for true friends and moral support you managed to keep with the help of technology (thanks Skype, e-mails, Facebook, Twitter, among other Apps!). They will remind you who you really are no matter where you are deep inside. And in the end of this getting lost by wandering off to different shores, you become more better albeit a more stronger you. The you they know is still within you but you know you are becoming a different person too. The proof that these are your truest supporters is how they remain in your life even if you changed - or per se your location just changed. The ones that slipped out of your fast changing life events, either cannot accept the real new you or decided your paths has reached its end together. Never be sorry for finding out who these people are. They are the ones who deserve to be called true and also are to be listed to your private victory parties or success picnics.

You will find a routine far far different from what you have perceived when you decided to go abroad.  Forgive yourself and your naivete. Plans and expectations have their ways of creeping up on you but do not listen to them. Pay more attention to what you can do and be more open to the things that you must do. At this point, never say never at all. The great thing about this new place is that no one knows you and do not care if you make mistakes along the way as long as you find a way of your own. And it is with greatest hopes that when you find your own path in this new world, it is usually something more meaningful and successful in time. 

But ease your heart and fears. What you might go through might be entirely different from what you have been reading. So decide seriously this time if your first move abroad would either make or break you. Either answer can still be productive as long as you are the kind of person who wanders for the experience and not for the end results. Do not be tied with helpless goals like earning more money or being treated any differently when you have been to where you are right now. Make your own first move abroad when you are ready for a constant overhaul of who you are and you do not mind labels. When you learn to be with yourself no matter where you are. And a little curiosity of pushing your mettle never grow old.

So we might reach the topic of lasts at this point, but really, does the journey end? I do not think so. Even if you have changed your demographics, you will feel this won't be the last move you will make in your life. Pun very much intended, thank you!

So go on, Alice. Curiosity got you this far...down the rabbit hole a new world exists. You are the protagonist of this story. Wander about the places you can be and the person you can become!

If Someone Stole Your Daddy's Hugs Never Let It Hold You Back

Another woman has stolen my daddy's hugs. 
Photo credit - Link

I was always daddy's girl. No other man was better than my dear dad. He was my tutor, my fan, my hero, the person I would want to hug every time he comes back home. I always thought I could have endless supply of daddy's hugging me back but life took us both in for a surprise. 

Until one night I found out the truth without even hearing them in words. My daddy's tears on my shoulders were more than enough evidence of the silent confession that I knew has become a harsher truth. I knew from that night on, something in me has died and a wound would scar me for life. 

At first, I would not believe it. I refuse to hear the rumors that had me having goosebumps. But as someone who knows my father well, I chose to ignore the signs. I chose to listen to the awkwardness that crept slowly then painfully in our family. I was in the state of denial - so were my parents - refusing to believe that we cannot work things out. 

My parents had their own reasons why they decided to separate in the end. I respect their decision. I swallowed the bitterness hard not wanting to reach my heart and pull me down all my life. I fought with everything I got not to become the typical rebellious daughter that can use the broken family excuse to ruin her life. I know I can be better than that. 

If you are in this similar situation, I tell you not to give up on yourself. You do not need to blame anyone for what happened- especially yourself. I am not asking you to become a saint and forgive the other woman - I am asking you to live your life unscathed and hopeful. I ask you not to grow up too fast so you can remember all your happy memories with you dad. I urge you to take a stand and always look forward to better days. I ask you to love yourself more and become stronger to not fear seeing your parents as real persons who have real issues that they just could not work out. 

I chose to let it go. I chose to believe that bad things happening does not license anyone to giving their negativity to the world back. If you ask me, I am a weak person but I pulled through with the help of the right friends and prayers. I am not a religious person, in fact, I am a non-practicing Christian. But I believe in some Higher Power that can lend me enough strength to move on. Life is still beautiful no matter how lacking, ugly, or hurt you might be right now. You cannot understand now, but in time, you will. Remain patient with yourself to reach that level of understanding. 

I did, eventually. It took long years, but I never gave up. I stayed faithful to myself that I can have my own life outside that traumatic experience. Yes, I could catch myself once in a while blaming the situation for something happening in the present but I always kick back and humor myself. I might bear some unfortunate consequences of my daddy leaving our home, but I know he still wants me happy even without him too involved in my life and I intend to heal the scar I have - even without him. 

I can always say daddy is unfair with how things are going right now. I could always cuss at him and assert my rights. But I would not do that. I have outgrown it already. Right now, I just know that I had lost him eleven years ago when he walked out of our door. At that time, I knew he said goodbye not totally, but I knew he left.

I used to hope that he will be back someday but suffered only grave disappointments. This taught me to handle bigger disappointments in my life without blaming it to anything or anyone else. Sh*t just happens and you just have to deal with what you have got with the fervent hope that things will be okay.

I used to think he will leave that other woman, but he stayed with her and had kids. This showed me that life does not always go the way you want it to be and so you do not have to ruin your life for it. Your half siblings did not ask to be born in to the hellish situation so spare them from your unwarranted wrath.

I used to think that  I can forgive and forget easily. It takes super human effort to truly forgive and forget. I guess only saints can be able to do that kind of feat. I can only understand the situation, I confess, but something like that is truly unforgivable and unforgettable. It is a major shift in your life so even time cannot redefine or undone that. But I do not use it not to trust the trustworthy and vie away from the liars and jerks.

So for fathers out there, fatherhood never stops when your obligations has been done. Fatherhood is a lifetime job. So when you do something, decide like it always comes from your family. Pride can ruin your last shot of keeping your family together so do not let it rule you.

To the women who might be engaging in illicit affairs, please stop. No matter how love can make everything you do wrong right, it can never alter the fact that you are becoming the reason of the thousands of broken families out there. No matter how happy you might become, your happiness cost many others' misery. 

If someone stole you daddy's hugs from you, never let it hold you back from living your life. Never make it an excuse to inflict pain in anyway just because you suffered. Prove to yourself that strength comes from knowing your sad history and yet deciding to still enjoy what is left of the rest of your life without having to hurt anyone.

At times, I do miss hugging my dad, but I know, no one is already there to come home and hug me back. I know one day, I will get to hug him again and I still hope in total acceptance and forgiveness. In the end, daddy only made me stronger.