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| written 2007 for Youngblood but never got published - Photo credit - From the Web |
Dear Stupid Cupid,
Foremost, I’d like to appreciate the effort from your part to try and make me fall in love, so many times, with the most colorful characters leaving me with a vibrant love portfolio but ironically single status, still. I want to find my true love and yet I don’t want to be tied to the idea that much at least for the times you have chosen for me to find love.
I’m not that picky, Mr. Cupid. Just way too smart at times, I’d put feelings on the line. Their feelings of pseudo-attraction types– I choose not to handle when in all honesty, I don’t feel the same. You accuse me of warding off unwanted attention from guys getting interested with me. Yes, I do that to cut any senseless chase to its ill-fated end. Their energy is well better used in other rewarding activities and that’s lesser annoyance for me. At times, when you think you have me or so you think until I get cold feet and runaway just before the guy would take me seriously. Each time, I sense you further your efforts to get me head over heels and so you turn to gnaw at my self-doubt.
When I do doubt myself if I am capable of romantic love I indulge myself and occasionally watch sappy romantic movies. Just to remind myself what true love can be and allow myself to get caught up with all the drama, even couple hood pops in my unguarded mind. But at the end of the movie sanity grips me tight. At the end credentials, the free spirit within me rebels outrageously that love becomes a ball chain dragging at my feet. I resolve further to hold out for love. You get annoyed with me at these points and you want to make me a spinster.
But you never give up do you? A sneaking suspicion hinted that you see me as a challenge that could ruin your credibility and existence if I don’t fall in love. Thus, this has become our never-ending story of my quest for the elusive true love.
I know I would meet my Prince Charming one day. But as I grew older, I knew it was going to be a long journey to find this Prince Charming that is why I hold out for love. Cupid, you are so impatient about me falling in love.
Once, you tried to make me fall in love with the Emotional Guy. The type who cries at sunset and movies and he was lethally Prince Charming. He showered me with so much attention, that I thought, just maybe his warmth could melt my resolve regarding love. We really started hitting it off in the guise of friendship. I waited on my feelings for him to blossom. I waited, I waited, and I waited. And when he did show demonstrations of taking our relationship a notch higher, I resigned in a state of denial. I took for granted his too friendly innuendos as a safe platonic relationship instead. All the time I hold out for love, it was there just lying around my couch at home having a drink with me while massaging my toes on one-on-one talk until dawn.
Just because everything was too good to be true and the pessimist in me knew one day it could turn ugly. The love thing is out of my control and I am a control freak. And with Emotional Guy, my feeling for him controls me. And if I allowed it further, it demanded the biggest of risks of getting hurt.
I decided to be with him forever, for a selfish reason. A friend I can keep forever but a boyfriend I could toss any moment during dark episodes. So, I started the cold act towards him. I set him up with one of his ardent admirers. But when they started going out, strange feelings roused in me. I know its irony I first fell in love when it was way too late. When I mustered enough strength to tell him how he really means to me, he gave up on me. I forgave that stupid self I had. I acknowledged the hurting fact that I loved and I lost. My only consolation is that he has remained to be one of my closest friends and I am glad.
And then you thought, maybe I need someone not so emotional- someone that would challenge me to face the facts of starting the attraction sans the friendship guise. I met Uncaring Guy. This time a guy who kept an air of mystery about him and wasn’t showy about his feelings. Denial got me sad, so I thought it was time to take matters to my own hands.
Things got stranger, later. I was trying so hard to be in love that I ended up falling in love with the idea. Worst, Uncaring Guy clammed up just when he almost believed I really wanted to be in a relationship. Through my persistence of where do I stand with him, I pushed him away from me. He got scared of the responsibility of love shoved up to his chest and left me alone broken. I have compromised too much of myself and got lost in the end.
After that, I decided to really put hold on the love area then, at least for now. I want to make sure what do I really think of love. But one thing’s for sure. Yes, love. I fear it. I am a girl given promises of love, and yet constantly pulled back by her forces of fear. I am the girl who constantly evades love for fear of getting hurt. I abhor the sacrifices and compromises that wonderful feeling will demand from me. Any decent guy I meet ends up a victim to my runaway girl tendencies.
Cupid, what’s the point? Well, I’m tired of playing games- doing things your way or mine, I’m tired of actually venturing and having myself get through unnecessary pains. Your intention is good ---but it made me went through a lot. I don’t mean to call you stupid, but I will if you still insist on sending unwanted guys my way. And I haven’t come across a guy who could make me understand these fears and strong enough to help me overcome them by and by.
For now, I’d like to be alone. So I can conquer my fears gradually and eventually find the road to love alone. I’m neither an arrogant fool nor your little project, I am finding out the truth I learned on time- dealing with my fears will make love work in my life. Relish my concept of being beautiful alone, which means allowing me a year of singleton status. It wouldn’t hurt if I occasionally date, wouldn’t it? Until I’ll learn the greatest lesson of your crusade: Love is the absence of fear, and fear is without love. So, be content Cupid to be on the sidelines and one day I’ll welcome your arrow to hit my heart when I have found the right guy. I think he does deserve a fearless me, anyways. Just learn to be patient with me this time, as I have learned to be patient with myself. Point your arrows elsewhere for the meantime, deal?
Signed,
Hopeless Questor
P.S.
Dating around is alright. And I want to take things slow. So do not ruin my dates, please!
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